|
STRUCTURE AND DISCIPLINE
(In Parenting)
By: Michael R. Forgy, MA
[Michael R. Forgy, MA is the CEO of Intermountain Neuropsychiatric
Center and the Boise Family Center in Boise, ID. He has 27
years psychiatric experience working with youth and families,
and has worked in numerous environments from private non-profit
to private for profit environments. You can contact him via
e-mail, Michael@inceeg.com,
fax to 208-376-2521, or call 208-376-2518.]
Structure and discipline, two words as adults we've heard
a lot about. As parents we often struggle with how these two
concepts play out within our parenting repertoire. In fact,
when pressed to explain what these concepts mean, it is not
uncommon for most of us to have difficulty doing so, other
than how they are defined in the dictionary. However, application
of these concepts is more often than not even more difficult.
Let's start at the beginning and see if we can't work through
these ideals and make some sense of them. The first thing
we need to understand is structure and discipline are not
innate psychological elements. If left alone at birth to do
as we will, none of us would have much of a likelihood of
being structured or disciplined. But wait a minute. Discipline,
I thought we were talking about something imposed on another
as a result of some behavior or action. Yes, that is where
it all begins. Through discipline and structure comes self-discipline.
But we're getting ahead of the discussion here so hold that
thought just a bit. OK. So if we are not born having some
grasp of structure and discipline, where does it come from
and how? The answer is easy but the concept is a little more
difficult. It's imposed upon us from some external force.
Our first exposure to structure and discipline comes from
our parents. At this point, to hopefully make this discussion
a bit less complicated, we'll take one fundamental at time.
Let's start with structure.
We begin our experience with structure almost at birth, doing
our best to create our own structure. Feed me when I'm hungry
or I'll cry. Change me when I'm soiled or I'll cry. Don't
give me those nasty carrots or I'll spit them out and cry!
Slowly but surely we begin to learn the world does not in
fact revolve around us. Someone is telling us when we need
to sleep, when we need to eat, how we need to go potty, and
that spitting out the carrots is not really a good thing.
Structure is now being imposed upon us.
Being relatively bright individuals, it doesn't take too
long to discover that following this structure seems to make
things a little more pleasant. Much to our surprise, and perhaps
displeasure, we soon begin to learn this is only the beginning.
Next comes established play times, enforcement of sleep times,
meal times and daily routines. We are told where we can and
cannot go, what we can do inside or outside, and how to hold
silverware. This is all just too much! Ah! The joy of structure.
Where would we be without it? With each passing day and year,
structure becomes more and more complicated and demanding.
School brings about a complete new world of structure and
what it means.
The more adaptable and amenable we are to structure, the
better things seem to go. We soon learn the vast importance
everyone around us places on structure. Just think about the
amount of structure we experience in just one day at school!
Without structure, chaos would ensue. Hopefully, the dramatic
role of structure in healthy growth and development is becoming
clear. The better job we do as parents to help our children
cope and become accustomed to structure, and the sooner we
do it, the more adaptable and successful they will be as they
move through a life full of structure.
As we begin to understand this thing called structure, we
become more comfortable in creating an environment of structure
for our children. Structure does not need to be suffocating
and overwhelming. There is always room for creativity and
self-expression within the confines of structure. Structure
is not in and of itself punitive, but rather, creates a safe
and predictable environment in which to operate. The reality
of the matter is that when environments are safe, predictable
and structured, healthy growth, development, exploration,
creativity and innovation abound. Creating this structured
environment for our children is in fact a parental obligation
that is a virtual gift to them. So don't be afraid of the
word or concept of 'Structure.' See it as a pathway to healthy
growth and development. An opportunity to help your children
prepare for the world they will inevitably face. As children
experience structure and accept it, they learn to operate
within its bounds with full self-expression, confidence, creativity
and a sense of accomplishment.
Now for the really difficult part, discipline. At just the
mention of the word discipline, most of us have some immediate
response, not necessarily positive. As we break this down
however, we can begin to understand that discipline, like
structure, plays a powerful role in healthy growth and development.
Again, like structure, without discipline chaos will ensue.
Utilized correctly and compassionately, discipline is another
one of those wonderful gifts we parents can give to our children.
On many levels, discipline occurs whether we like it or not.
Touching a hot stove is less than pleasant. Do it once and
you are not likely to do it again. Nature has its own way
of supplying discipline so we know what things we can and
cannot do to bring about or alleviate discomfort.
Appropriate, compassionate, logical discipline in conjunction
with structure helps shape an individual in to an adaptable,
resilient person. Discipline is not an aggressive, abusive,
vindictive, or harmful punishment. Discipline is logical;
there is always a direct and immediate correlation to a specific
behavior, attitude and/ or emotion that you are attempting
to correct, or perhaps more appropriately, shape. Discipline
is compassionate; it occurs with an explanation and on a level
the person being disciplined can understand. It is presented
as a positive opportunity to adjust and fine tune something
problematic. Discipline is realistic to what you as the parent
are trying to shape. How many times whether in reality or
jokingly have we heard someone say they grounded their child
for a month? This is not realistic. After the first several
days the point is lost in anger, resentment, feelings of helplessness,
etc. Discipline is validating; when done correctly, discipline
will include an explanation of not only what is desired, but
also what is positive.
Whatever you are trying to shape cannot be all bad. Work
to find something positive with what you are trying to correct.
This builds regard, esteem and feels much less critical and
overwhelming. It leaves the individual feeling there is a
positive base on which to build. Discipline must always be
rewarding; after the discipline occurs and there is improvement
in what you are shaping, make sure to point out the improvements
and acknowledge appreciation for the positive efforts to respond
appropriately.
Through externally imposed structure and thoughtful discipline,
children have the opportunity to experience, create, experiment
and make mistakes in a healthy, safe environment. Mistakes
become opportunities to grow and expand rather than creating
anxiety provoking situations. As children grow and develop
in this environment, they learn to create their own structure
and discipline - they become self-disciplined healthy individuals.
They learn to monitor themselves with less and less external
intervention. They learn how far they can push the limits
of structure and still be safe, healthy and productive. Children
brought up in this type of environment develop some very basic
tools for living a healthy lifestyle for the rest of their
lives.
So structure and discipline, as cornerstones within the parental
repertoire, are highly beneficial tools for children to begin
to develop their own internalized coping skills as they learn
to adapt to the world ahead of them. Equipped with an understanding
and acceptance of structure and discipline, and in turn self-discipline,
these children will move far ahead of those whose early environment
was void of these concepts or those allowed to go unchecked
throughout their development. Though not impossible, it is
an extremely painful and difficult process to try to establish
these concepts in early adolescent or even pubescent children.
Start early and hold your ground. The long term benefits are
well worth it.
Copyright © 2005,
Woodbury Reports, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
(This article may not be reproduced without written approval
of the publisher.)
Return to Strugglingteens.com
Home
|
