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PROTECT AND PREPARE
By: Lon Woodbury
The job of parents can be boiled down to these two words,
Protect and Prepare. The newborn infant is helpless, totally
dependent on his or her parents for protection from all the
dangers that exist in the world, looking to them to provide
every need. By the time that infant reaches legal age, it
is hoped the parents have been able to help prepare the young
adult to make his or her own way in the world.
The process of getting the child from a stage of needing
total protection, to the stage of being well enough prepared
that the parents can largely let go, is the nuts and bolts
of child raising. Only those who have never raised a child
think it is easy.
Every child goes through this transformation at his or her
own pace. It is the wise and sensitive parent who figures
out the proper balance of protection and preparation at each
little daily step in the transformation. Some children almost
raise themselves, and the parents of these children just
need to love, value, support and cheer their progress. Other
children resist every step in the transformation, and their
parents must exhibit the wisdom of Solomon to successfully
help push their children along on the required course. Most,
of course, are in between, with parents needing to alternate
between aggressive intervention to induce growth toward maturity,
and amazed acceptance of unexpected insights their child
makes almost out of the blue. Parenting is probably more
of an art form than any other human activity, due in part
to the fact that no child arrives with an instruction manual.
Every time a child is born, the parents are stepping into
uncharted waters.
At first glance, it would seem this transformation from
helpless infancy to responsible, mature adulthood would be
fairly straightforward. But, in actuality, in our society
we make it incredibly complicated. In every step of the process,
a debate rages about the proper techniques for raising a
child. Feeding schedules, potty training, discipline, when
to express approval, and an almost infinite number of issues
are hotly debated. The number of theories, philosophies and
techniques an army of childcare professionals offer to parents
seems almost infinite. Its no wonder parents are confused.
After all, the advice is built on the best science possible,
or at least each author would like us to believe that about
his or her advice. Much of the confusion comes from when
a parent follows the advice of one expert, to learn that
the next expert very well might conclude the parents have
harmed the child and remediation is necessary, using the
new expert’s advice of course. This can be an endless process,
especially for the insecure or uncertain parent.
The
students we see in Emotional Growth/Therapeutic schools
and programs for the most part come from situations where
this balance between theory and common sense was lost. Of
course sometimes it is almost impossible for parents to provide
a sensible balance if their children have serious psychiatric
diagnoses and possible physiological and/or biochemical imbalances
that require more tools than conscious parenting alone. But,
most children in Emotional Growth/Therapeutic schools and
programs were either protected too long and thus were
spoiled or felt entitled, or were prepared too soon and thus
didn’t have much of a playful childhood. Both extremes can
stunt healthy moral and emotional growth.
Either way, much of this can be traced back to the persuasive
numbers of many theories propounded by experts. Where uncertain
parents used to depend on the accumulated wisdom of grandparents,
aunts and uncles, and extended family wisdom, and of course
their own common sense, they now rush to study and adopt
the latest child rearing expert’s recommendations. Fortunately,
many of the books on the market are good, offering very helpful
advise based on the understanding that parents are usually
the best authority on their children.
Yet there are many other books that communicate less helpful
ideas. Some start out by citing the latest research, but
discard the conditions under which the data was obtained.
The authors promote their new system or approach; citing
it is backed by the latest scientific research, claiming
this “new” understanding is the real secret for raising a
child. Unfortunately, the conclusions they have drawn are
based on a limited and narrow aspect of the research they
have cited. Remember the “Growing Through Divorce” of the
seventies that claimed children were better off if disagreeing
parents separated? Although there was some evidence at the
time supporting the idea that children were damaged through
exposure to fighting parents, the solution offered, that
divorce was usually helpful for these children, has not held
true. The complete picture is now being established by research
that children are harmed the most by divorce except in the
most abusive situations.
How
about the theory that “A child would never lie?” This was
a gross misinterpretation of the common tendency of children
to tell things about which general courtesy normally would
have us keep silent. When experts commonly adopted this theory,
parents were terrorized by the power that ideology gave children;
in the extreme, some innocent parents were jailed, and other
families devastated. Fortunately, further research has finally
confirmed the commonly accepted, traditional understanding
that children will misrepresent to protect themselves from
punishment, or will provide the answer the questioner wants
to hear. It takes a lot of common sense to hear what children
are really saying, and many of the theories get in the way
of common sense.
The last thing in the world children need is more theories
wielded by “experts” trying to sell themselves and their
reputation. What they do need are parents who are confident
about their own common sense, supported by the wisdom of
family, friends and neighbors. The best way for most parents
to balance between protecting and preparing is to trust themselves.
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