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WHEN
IS A CHILD NOT OK?
By Lon
Woodbury
Feeling
that they are not “OK” is one of the most common characteristics
shared by students in Emotional Growth/Therapeutic Boarding
schools and programs. A “lack of self-confidence”, “poor
self-esteem”, or a “negative self-image” are terms often
used to describe adolescents who feel that something about
them is just not right. Most of their the self-destructive
activities are attempts to conceal or avoid this belief
that they are not OK. Often they confess to feeling they
are “damaged goods.”
Where
would they get such an idea? Well, there are several sources
in our society.
A favorite
scapegoat is American advertising. It is true that kids
are constantly exposed to the message that happiness comes
from expensive material possessions such as designer clothes,
or high tech entertainment equipment. Yet while it can
definitely be a contributing factor, most kids are well
aware that advertising is probably the most fictional part
of the media, and they usually find it fairly easy to ignore.
Or,
“it’s their parents fault; their parents don't care." Although
this might be the accurate in a minority of cases, in my
experience, children more frequently feel they are not
OK as a result of what is called “permissive parenting”.
This is a style of parenting in which parents won’t create
or accept the boundaries against which their children need
to struggle in order to achieve their necessary growth.
Permissive parents usually work hard at parenting, and
care very much. The problem occurs because these parents
think they should protect their children from the consequences
of their actions, rather than helping them learn as a result
of experiencing those consequences.
Another
reason adolescents experience the feeling of not being
okay stems from negative peer pressure. Being accepted
by a group is usually vital to teens’ sense of belonging.
In order to “belong”, teens must conform to the dictates
and styles of the group with which they wish to associate.
This need has been made especially powerful in modern American
society due to our 20th century education policies that
requires large numbers of hormone-hopping, authority-testing
teens to assemble in one place during the day. Our implementation
of mass schooling through large schools that frequently
have a thousand or more students, fosters an adolescent
sub-culture where peer pressure in many ways is far more
powerful than the authority of the school. Those who are
not accepted start to wonder if something is wrong with
them, and even some of those accepted by the group fear
their shortcomings might be discovered.
Another
source of adolescent insecurities is the strong competition
for academic success. Often the message is conveyed that
a “good” career overrides all other considerations, and
the best career opportunities are granted to those who
graduate from select top colleges. This creates a struggle
to get into the “best” colleges, which is preceded by competition
to get high scores on college entrance exams. Sometimes
this sequence is an evolution of a lengthy struggle. It
began with parents’ attempts to get their child into the
“right” kindergarten, in an effort to create the possibility
of getting into the “right” primary school, in hopes of
getting into the “right” high school. The pressure was
then on to achieve the highest test scores and grade point
averages, to be accepted into one of the “best” colleges
and thus have a chance at a great career. Children who
buy into, or are forced into, this “dream” walk on eggshells
throughout their schooling, always in fear of not measuring
up. Those who are screened out are forced to confront their
shortcomings and failure at a very early age.
Coupled
with insecurity about not “being okay” as an adolescent,
is a sense of confusion about the point at which one can
actually be considered as an adult. Since our society no
longer has any real “rite of passage”, the process of becoming
an adult is very unclear to an adolescent. Arriving at
the age in which they can legally drink alcohol or obtain
a drivers license is not a challenge that will impress
anyone.
Traditional
societies always have had some kind of clearly defined
“rite of passage.” Usually, selected members or the whole
community participated in a ceremony and ritual that included
moral teachings. Sometimes a test was also involved to
demonstrate the acquisition of personal fitness and skill.
Usually the rite of passage would occur around the time
of puberty, or shortly thereafter, although the formal
process would start in childhood. Successful completion
of this process would allow the adolescent to be accepted
as an adult by the whole community, with the accompanying
privileges and responsibilities.
Though
there are many indications that adolescents desire to be
recognized when they have become adults, yet we have dispensed
with a formal “rite of passage” in modern society, considering
it to be unnecessary. Often the result is that an adolescent
decides he or she is an adult either after the fact, or
before it is truly the case. Worse yet, sometimes adolescents
take it upon themselves to establish their own rites of
passage, which are often humiliating and dangerous, usually
taking the form of “hazing”, or initiation into some kind
group which lacks adults altogether.
Children
face a society that attempts to foster self-confidence
through the acquisition of material possessions, acceptance
by a particular peer group and academic success. These
external forms of validation leave the child’s sense of
self worth subject to the whims and pleasures of the larger
group, a very shaky foundation that could disappear overnight.
In order
to have emotional health, children need a strong internal
sense of self worth, which comes from authentic success
in overcoming real challenges. One way this can be achieved
is through “rites of passage” that are developed by insightful
adults. Another way is by learning self-discipline as a
result of struggling with natural or parent-imposed boundaries.
When children learn to anticipate and live with consequences,
rather than being sheltered from the consequences of their
actions, they develop skills that give them the confidence
to “feel OK”. In this way their self-confidence becomes
internalized, making them far less vulnerable to external
circumstances.
Considering
the tremendous pressures for external validation with which
modern teens are faced, it is miraculous that most teens
manage to muddle through childhood and become responsible
adults. Fortunately, millions of parents, families and
friends have struggled to ensure that children experience
true success by overcoming real challenges, while attempting
to shelter them from the harmful influences in our society.
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