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 Wounded
Children
By Lon Woodbury, C.E.P.
lon@woodbury.com
The
Special Needs children enrolled in Emotional Growth/Therapeutic Schools
and Programs can be described as wounded children who are unable to
assert control over themselves or their environment. Looking at it
this way, it doesn't really matter whether the “wounded ness” is due
to some pathology, to previous traumatic experiences, or is the result
of completely misunderstanding or misinterpreting the world around
them. They find themselves either: unable to control their overwhelming
internal impulses, unable to stem the influence of external trauma
from the past, or maintaining a distorted belief system about their
rights and avenues for success in the world. Regardless of the reasons,
they share the characteristic of not having the self-control and maturity
to make constructive and appropriate decisions. In other words, they
are wounding themselves and are their own worse enemy. There are other
educational strategies, in addition to teaching self-discipline, of
course, for a school or program to meet the needs of these children,
but the basic foundation upon which these other strategies must build,
or help to create, is self-discipline.
Realizing that Special Needs children are wounded fosters the realization
that they need to be treated with respect and sensitivity, along with,
of course, firmness. Alternative views of these children as jerks who
are irritating us on purpose, or are immoral in some way, misinterprets
the causes of their behavior. This view usually leads to a punitive
attitude that can further wound these children. Except for those who
are floundering and are looking for and will accept adult direction,
punishment often backfires. Also, the view that they just need “a little
love,” is common misunderstanding that too often doesn’t encourage
the development of self-discipline, and it is the lack of discipline
that is at the root of their problems.
To be effective with these wounded children, a school or program must
have a clear idea of the goals for each child who is put in their care.
In order to define these goals, the staff must be able to describe
the attributes of a mature adult role model. Any adults who are raising
children, such as parents, teachers, ministers, or therapists can find
their work made easier by defining the desired behaviors and attitudes
they wish to instill in the children.
Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, a popular self-improvement speaker and writer,
suggests four stages a person has to successfully complete to obtain
maturity. His stages can be helpful in developing an overview of how
to work with wounded children. In his presentation, each stage is the
foundation for the subsequent ones. The following interpretations are,
of course, more mine than Dr. Dyer's.
The first stage emphasizes the necessity of discipline. Without self-control
or self-discipline, the child cannot really succeed at anything, at
least anything constructive. Even goals or ambitions are nothing but
wishful thinking without the direction self-control can provide. This
is the root problem of virtually all Special Needs children, and the
first thing an Emotional Growth/Therapeutic school or program needs
to address. When there is a lack of development in this first stage,
it can be manifested either as power struggles, insistence on doing
it their way even when they know its self-destructive, rebellion against
authority, inability to understand schoolwork due to a learning difference,
or any number of other problems. Essentially, what these children are
trying to do is to figure out how to control their environment to make
it safe, yet they don’t realize that it can't be done constructively
without first achieving control over themselves. Whether the school
or program intervenes through structure, medication, therapy, behavioral
modification or a combination of these, of course depends on the individual
needs of each child. But no matter what kind of intervention is used,
a basic goal is helping the child achieve self-discipline.
Wisdom is the second stage, which is what academics and mentors attempt
to impart by teaching life's lessons, for example: cause and effect,
responsibility, accountability and trust. It is not possible for a
child to achieve academically without knowledge of subject content,
nor is it possible to succeed in life without some basic knowledge
of people and how and why they act as they do.
The third stage for a mature life is doing what you love and loving
what you do. This is the subject of dreams, and goals. Some people
say that we each have a purpose in life, and our job is to learn what
our purpose is, and then do it. Wounded children are so caught up in
their chaos and rejection stemming from what is perceived as a confusing
world, that defending themselves is a very serious business. Dreams
are at best wishful thinking, even sometimes a cause for pain, given
their belief that achieving their dreams would be an impossibility.
Thus, when interventions help children to develop some self-control
and foster enough learning about life that they can understand what
their academic classes are trying to teach them, then the next step
for the school or program is to help children get in touch with their
dreams. Then, children can either start working realistically toward
their dreams or goals, or work to develop more realistic ones.
The fourth stage is acceptance. A mature adult will know when to be
in control of their environment, and when to accept someone else's
control. Knowing when it is appropriate to control something, and when
to accept someone else's control is very important for living a life
with some degree of harmony. For example, passengers in an airplane
get along best when they accept that the pilot and crew are in charge.
Any other idea on the part of a passenger can create conflict, chaos
and trouble. At the same time, the pilot must accept his/her responsibility
to control the aircraft, with the same being true regarding the individual
responsibilities of the rest of the crew. If any one of them ignore
their responsibilities and do not exert the necessary control, it can
create problems, if not total chaos. One mark of a mature person is
knowing when to be in control, and when to accept another’s control.
Any Special Needs school or program must first recognize they are dealing
with wounded children who need healing. Viewing them as juvenile delinquents,
bad or problem kids, or anything comparable just encourages passive
or active resistance on the children’s part, perhaps causing more wounding.
Secondly, is important that all staff have a clear and consistent idea
both of what they are trying to help the child achieve, as well as
how they intend to help the child so that it can be achieved. The third
step involves choosing specific interventions that are appropriate
to help individual students let go of self-defeating behavior and keep
focused on their dreams and goals. The fourth step is to be sure the
staff can recognize progress so they can give realistic, meaningful
and supportive feedback to the student. I've found that the most successful
Emotional Growth/Therapeutic schools and programs cover all four of
these stages. If the program makes sure they remember their students
are wounded children, and covers all four of these bases, then they
will be successful with their Special Needs Children.
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