Woodbury Reports, Inc.
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Combating Shame

September 29, 2014

Joining Lon Woodbury on LA TALK Radio's "Parent Choices for Struggling Teens" was Mike Gurr, the Clinical Director at Sedona Sky Academy, a therapeutic boarding school for girls in Arizona. Explaining the general definition of today's topic of shame, Mike shared that shame is a fear of being disconnected, of feeling not good enough and the most dangerous tapes young people today are playing (inside of their thinking is, Not Relevant Enough. As Mike shared, "shame is something we all have. It keeps you feeling small, it puts up walls between you and other people and really hits the heart of people."

When asked if there was a difference between the sexes in the "negative tapes" that run in a person's head, causing the feelings of shame, Mike explained that both genders have shame,yet for females, the shame is centered around their looks, their talents and their weight, whereas for males it is more of being a provider, how good I am, the fear of failure and being able to 'fix' a problem and the expectations they have for taking care of: their family, spouse and children. One of the biggest shames that males face is feeling weak or appearing to be weak…a tape for them that started when they were small boys, which our culture reinforces. "We are hard wired to be needed and to be loved and to feel a sense of belonging and yet the fear of feeling vulnerable and of getting hurt tends to make people numb themselves to the pain,through eating, shopping, drinking and drugs. There is a tremendous fear of being vulnerable."

To combat shame, there are specific actions to take to build shame resilience, such as letting go of perfectionism, that it is OK to do your best, of letting go of the image of being 'cool' and letting go of self-doubt. By learning to be vulnerable and letting go of the fear of being judged, these kids also learn that to change how they feel, they can be aware of what triggers those feelings of shame, remove justifying blame and practice critical awareness. They learn that when they are in a humble spot they can connect with others. That being vulnerable allows joy, brings out creativity and the start of letting others in.

To listen to the full interview go to Combating Shame.


Lon Woodbury is the owner/founder of Woodbury Reports, Inc. and www.strugglingteens.com. He has worked with families and struggling teens since 1984 and is the host of Parent Choices for Struggling Teens and The Woodbury Reports.

Elizabeth McGhee is the Director of Admissions and Referral Relations at Sandhill Child Development Center and has over 19 years' of clinical, consulting and referral relations experience to her position and is the co-host.

Mike Gurr, MS, MA, CDWF,Candidate, LPC is the Clinical Director at Sedona Sky Academy. He has worked with thousands of families from around the world over the past 12 years in various settings: as a program and clinical director of therapeutic boarding schools and has worked with families and teens at residential treatment centers. He has been married for 19 years and is the father of 5 children, ages 5-16.

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Part 1 , The Introduction to the Parent Empowerment Handbook
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