|
Opinion & Essays
- Nov, 1999 Issue #63
|
WHEN IS IT TIME?
By: Lon Woodbury
Perhaps the most confusing question faced by parents of a struggling teen
is when the behavior has reached the point where a short or long-term residential option should be considered. Contrary to a popular
misconception, relatively few parents just want to “send their kid away.” In my practice, the decision to enroll a child in a residential
school or program is usually a gut-wrenching experience that brings a parent face to face with feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame,
self-recriminations, and makes them vulnerable to criticism by friends, family and community who judge but don’t understand. Actually,
the easiest decision, in the short-term, is to reject the residential option and try another round of counselors, rules, contracts
with their teen, groundings, punishments, etc. That decision to do more of the same seems the easiest in the short-term, but can be
the hardest in the long term because of the likelihood of watching their child self-destruct without exercising a parent’s prime responsibility,
that of providing for the needs of their child, whatever they might be.
“When is the child ready?” is an important question, but a more important
question is, “When are the parents ready?” When it is obvious that the child is on a downward spiral, with no indication of a change
except their childish hopes and wishful promises, when behaviors are potentially endangering the future or even the life of their
child, then for the sake of the child’s safety and future, he or she has become a candidate for residential placement. That often
is a straightforward question. Of course there are some gray areas at times: the parent may not be aware of some of the worse behaviors,
or the child can act very destructively some of the time, but at other times is the sweet, loving child of bygone years. Yet when
I ask most of my clients what scares them about their child’s future, they have a long list of concerns, and when I ask them what
is happening that might contract will improve things, which helps them push through their hesitations to become ready to take the
next stronger intervention step, that of residential placement. In such a situation, if a contract is tried again, it can work in
two ways. It gives both the child and the parents a second chance. If the child then breaks the contract, it is a clear statement
that he or she was ready for something more. And, by clearly demonstrating the lack of response on the child’s behalf, the parents
are more ready to take action, as well.
When there are broken contracts in the past, sometimes the parents still
feel they are not ready, often out of a desire to be more than fair; a very important concept in our society. Or, they had not thought
out what the consequences should be if their child breaks the contract. Trying to develop consequences on the fly, making decisions
under pressure, can be very difficult and confusing. It causes the parents to feel the need to justify their actions and go to extreme
lengths to understand their child’s decisions, which can lead to paralyzed ineffectiveness on the part of the parents.
In these situations, I recommend that the parents make another contract,
including only the most important elements, deciding in advance what consequences will result from breaking each part. It is important
that the contract be reasonable, reflecting only the issues with which the parents are most concerned, behaviors that the parent knows
are seriously self-destructive. For example, it would be unreasonable to think of residential placement if a child breaks the contract
by missing curfew by only a half hour, but if he/she is out all night possibly partying with wild and irresponsible peers, then for
that to be the last straw is a more reasonable consequence.
Looking at a contract in this way not only helps clarify whether there is
a need for more serious intervention, and gives the child another chance; it also prepares the parent to be ready to take effective
intervention action if the contract is broken. Setting up the contract in this way can be a win-win situation. If the child fulfills
his/her terms of the contract, then progress is being made in helping the child grow up successfully. If the child breaks the contract,
then it helps the parents to be more decisive by making it crystal clear that the child is really ready for more serious intervention.
So, when is it time? It is time when the child’s behavior is such that it
has convinced the parents that their child needs more than can be provided within the family or by When there are broken contracts
in the past, sometimes the parents still feel they are not ready, often out of a desire to be more than fair; a very important concept
in our society. Or, they had not thought out what the consequences should be if their child breaks the contract. Trying to develop
consequences on the fly, making decisions under pressure, can be very difficult and confusing. It causes the parents to feel the need
to justify their actions and go to extreme lengths to understand their child’s decisions, which can lead to paralyzed ineffectiveness
on the part of the parents.
In these situations, I recommend that the parents make another contract,
including only the most important elements, deciding in advance what consequences will result from breaking each part. It is important
that the contract be reasonable, reflecting only the issues with which the parents are most concerned, behaviors that the parent knows
are seriously self-destructive. For example, it would be unreasonable to think of residential placement if a child breaks the contract
by missing curfew by only a half hour, but if he/she is out all night possibly partying with wild and irresponsible peers, then for
that to be the last straw is a more reasonable consequence.
Looking at a contract in this way not only helps clarify whether there is
a need for more serious intervention, and gives the child another chance; it also prepares the parent to be ready to take effective
intervention action if the contract is broken. Setting up the contract in this way can be a win-win situation. If the child fulfills
his/her terms of the contract, then progress is being made in helping the child grow up successfully. If the child breaks the contract,
then it helps the parents to be more decisive by making it crystal clear that the child is really ready for more serious intervention.
So, when is it time? It is time when the child’s behavior is such that it
has convinced the parents that their child needs more than can be provided within the family or by local resources.
Copyright © 1999, Woodbury Reports, Inc. (This article may be reproduced
without prior approval if the copyright notice and proper publication and author attribution accompanies the copy.)
|