January 15, 2009
Well this trip has come and gone. It was a fantastic experience, one that I will soon not forget. Although I feel some sadness I feel overwhelmed with love and joy and such gratitude I don't know what to say further. Everything certainly does happen for a reason this I'm sure. It makes me want to cry, the experience I've been blessed to have not only experienced but am experiencing and will continue to. I will definitely come back to this beautiful country to its beautiful people. A country where the landscape is so pristine and so untouched it takes me back a few thousand years to what it must have looked like. A beauty so immense that only God could have been the Creator; everything working in pure harmony. Everything is perfect, from the tall lush green windblown trees to the constant hum of insects, the wind that flows through the trees with such grace and power; the fresh pure air, and of course the mystique. The people; with their beautiful smiles, eyes that speak louder than their words ever could, their pure outpouring of love.
Its funny how life works, travelling to Costa Rica, finding myself. I dreamt this. I wanted this. I've always wanted to do something fulfilling that gave back in some sort of way. Look how it slapped me in the face. In order to know you are doing God's work I need to understand that I have to find in myself, what I want to give others. I got healed and have been given the opportunity to help heal others. I cry every time I think about it. But my God it is not tears of sadness, or regret or despair as it almost always has been, I'm crying because I am so happy. Who woulda thought?
I was hesitant, to say the least, at first but the longer and harder I listened I realized that what I was learning was not a religion, nor was it claimed to be, but the basic fundamentals of any peaceful religion. Does my religion not teach love, truth and peace? It's the core. I've maintained and strengthened my stance on my religion immensely. I will continue to go to circles in Vancouver. It's so much more powerful verbalizing your triggers and beliefs and forgiving them than it is quietly doing them in your head. It is very powerful to be able to do them on your own, but you just need to mix it up a bit and when someone else tells you how it is, it's somehow stronger.
I feel so empowered, so invincible. I am the truth. And the truth is this: Everything about me is love, if I can fully love myself than love for other will come naturally. I am innocent, nothing that has ever happened, happened because of me. It happened yes, but it happened for my healing and my growth. I am not my story; I am the one writing it. Therefore, I will not be a victim for I have the power to place values upon such things, such circumstances, and such situations. I am worth it, because my worth has been established by God. Not my mother, not my father, not my brother, not culture, not society, but God. And God Supersedes all else. If I can be at peace and harmony, and love, free of judgment at all times than I am with God, as close as I can be in this life.
I understand that this will not be easy, I will be tested and triggered to let my ego sneak its way through but I am trusting of my will power. I've the taste of true freedom and love and light and I will not let it diminish.
What I realized with Z is this; I spoiled the heck out of her. Not just that but we were actually feeding off of each other to validate our beliefs. What would happen is one of us would trigger the other without even realizing and then say "see I am guilty", or whatever you made up. I needed her to fail so that my beliefs of guilt, of being a terrible person, of not being good enough, of being a failure, of being guilty of being alive would come up. These were such familiar feelings I didn't know how to live without it, and the same with him. We tend to go through life and actively, without realizing, find relationships, situations and circumstances that will validate our negative beliefs about ourselves. Z and I now have a holy relationship; one that is a healing relationship and that is true love.
For me, one of the biggest learning was forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean one must condone another's actions. It means to forgive yourself for letting yourself believe that anyone outside of you could ever hurt you, and that those negative beliefs are true. No one can hurt me; they only can if I choose to let them. Only after I've forgiven myself am I going to be able to see that the person who I perceived to have done some unjust to me had their own beliefs and is tied up in them and has acted in accordance to it. You just have to be willing to let your feelings go, all the false beliefs that you've held about yourself, the story you've created about yourself, none of it is true, you've made it all up. Have an open mind, dive in and take a look. It's an unbelievable feeling to be able to let everything go and know it all happened as it should have. It's all perfect.